4:00 Thoughts… How?

I really want to see a psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed, see if they have any advice, and to get something to help the depression. The thing is, only my mom knows that I have depression and I do not know how this all will work, keeping it a secret from my dad and five other siblings.

I am sort of scared, but I know that I will be really anxious when the day comes where I actually see a psychiatrist. Another thing is that my mom wants to try to go the natural rout. And, I know it might could help, but this is a big thing. My depression and anxiety is to big to just hope and pray that it will work, because I honestly do not know how much longer I can last without help. I wish that I could hurry up and skip to the part where I find what can help me and do it, but of course life is not that easy.

I am just weird. I am supper shy in real life, hate touching people, do not want to get close to people, literally NEVER open up about the slightest thing, yet I can talk freely and say whatever I want here? I sort of get it yet sort of don’t. I guess that this is my safe place. I know that here no one knows me. I know that no one will care if I have problems because they know that really everyone has problems, some seem bigger than others, but that does not mean that we should not help others with theirs.

I don’t know. It is late and I just want someone to care. Not for attention or whatever, but I just need someone to be a true friend, to open up to. Someone who I can tell anything to and know that it is safe. Someone who would do anything for me, if it is for my own good, and I for her/him. I just need someone like that, yet I can’t trust anyone. Have I mentioned, I have trust issues? Yeah, and not just with the big things, but with the smallest things. I literally can trust no one. I guess that that might be a big reason as to why I do not have any friends and why I have not made any new ones. I do not know how to fix it and part of me does not want to, but I know that I need to, otherwise how will I grow?

More than medicine and anything right now I really just need a true friend, but how? With all of my problems how am supposed to tell a friend, let alone make one that would want to listen to all of my problems. Also, it would be forever before I would be able to trust them and for us to get that close, unless a miracle happened where I suddenly found this person who I completely trust and who I am somehow comfortable with. That would be amazing but obviously unrealistic, yet I can hope.

Am I supposed to get close to people and get to know them before I can truly know if I should be there friend or is it where I just meet them and should know right then and there if I want to be their friend… I don’t know.

If anyone does read this than I would love some answers!

I still do not know what I want to be by the way. I am already in college classes and everything, yet in the 10th grade. There is just so much pressure to know what you want to do and who you want to be. I do not know what I want to be, yet I know that I do not really have the biggest interest for what I am going to school for. How are you supposed to tell what you should go to school for and be?

Also, how do you have a minor in something. Right now I am going for my Bachelors in Mechanical Engineering (even though I really want to have my own business or something) and I want to minor in either business or filming (I like to write and film for fun. Any advice would be great, because honestly at this rate I do not want to have an engineering job. But anywase, it is so late/early. I will go to bed.


Hello, I am a small girl with big thoughts. I want to be able to speak out about my thoughts and feelings. And, maybe this can somehow help others to relate with someone. It does not really mater who I am, but who you are and who you will be.

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