I’m sorry that I have not posted anything in forever… this time for real. There is a lot that I need to talk about, like my eating disorder and a visit from child protective services, but for right now I want to just start off from right here where I am. I know that it might be confusing, but I’ll fill you in later.
So, right now my friend that I opened up to about this stuff is leaving and my mom is trying to decide how we should leave my dad.
My life is just a pattern. It is that whole fight of whether I should cut or bite or not eat, and now my newest addition… hitting myself. I didn’t want my self-harm to leave a permanent mark so I started punching and hitting myself. I really need better-coping skills.
SO, about a month ago I went and saw my mom’s counselor. I just basically told her “my life story”, except I said nothing of what I have told you guys. I can’t trust her and I honestly do not feel like being judged by her because I could clearly tell that she would judge me and be less of a comfort.
When I get enough money I want to see a real therapist (who is not a Christian, just so that I won’t feel like I am being judged 24/7). I want to be able to trust her fully so that I can get some real help for all of it, but I would have to wait until I am 18 for that really so that I can trust that she will not tell my mum or dad anything. I think I will stop seeing her counselor after I go again because there is no point if I cannot trust her.
Also, I still want to be properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and see if a prescription could help. I just want to finally get help without the fear of being found out.
I wish that I could just pause time and get better and then press play and go on with my life. But, I guess life wouldn’t be life without struggles… right?