Hey, so I think it is time that I start catching you guys up on all that has been taking, place over the past few months, or, however long I was gone.
So, I do not know if what I was doing was really an eating disorder or if it was more just something else, but either way, this is what happened.
Sometime in March, I had been going through a rougher patch in my depression. I really hated how I looked and how “fat” I (thought) I was, so I decided to keep track of my calories. Then, I quickly started to make it a goal of mine to eat no more than 500 calories or less a day. If I would go over, then I would hate myself. This went on for a few weeks or so.
Then, I started to not eat at all. We went on a mission trip and my Sunday school teacher noticed that I was not eating and made sure that I ate something, but I just ended up taking a small bite and throwing it away when she wasn’t looking.
The thing is, I don’t know if you would say it was an eating disorder because I was doing it to punish myself, like another way of self-harming, because my previous method had stopped working.
At the end of the week, we had a bit meal together and I had to eat a little bit. That night I planned on purging and even tried a little, but I knew it would be too loud, so I didn’t so that I would not be found out.
Also, every morning I would take pictures of my stomach to see how I was “progressing”. By then my stomach was only one inch thick and my ribs were showing. I struggled with eating for Months, but it wasn’t really the calories and the eating itself necessarily. It was really trying to be “Perfect”. It was just another way of hating myself.