From Happy to Suicidal

It so crazy to think that someone can go from incredibly happy in one moment to suicidal in the next.

This is what happened today at work. The thing is the only person who knew that something was going on was me. No one realised the thoughts that were going on inside my head. When I said that “I am done with life”, they did not realise that I ment it.

I went to the back looking for some ibuprofen, and was planning on overdosing. I was going to do it early on in the shift, so it could guarantee that I should OD at work and not at home because I knew that the only thing that would keep me from killing myself is my family seeing.

I knew what I wanted to do, and felt like I had to, but a part of me tried to find a reason why I should look forward to the future and why I should not be done with life, and I found nothing for me.

Clearly I was unable to find any since I am telling you this right now. ….

But, today I am going to bring my own that are 500mg per pill. There is no excuse this time. I need to do it at the beginning of my shift to guarantee an OD by the end of the shift.

…….

By the way I need to remind you that this Blog is just my diary that I let the whole world see. I write the truth about myself. This is here so that you might either learn something from me, be entertained, or whatever. What I wright here is what is actually going on and how I feel.

I just had a thought…

I just had a thought,

I am in New York City on a trip and tonight while we are exploring around Time Square or walking through on our way somewhere I could just dissapear. Right there in the crowd. No one would probably realize that I’m gone.

I could run the other way and go to the bridge. I could then walk up it and once I am clear over the water I could just close my eyes and fall.

Or jump off, I don’t really care. As long as I have a chance at ending it all. I can see everything getting better after that. If I do survive then everyone would finally see how bad I really need help.

I was finally able to, for one second think about killing myself without thinking about others and how they would feel.

 

I want to run away and kill myself…

But it’s okay, because it was just a thought.

 

 

Hey, please give me advice! Should I do it Tonight? Why or why not? What should I do?

Please, help!

Not Bad Enough; not there yet.

Sometimes I just feel like I am too self-aware to really be sick. But I don’t know. I just do not feel like I am sick enough. Like, I can’t self-harm more often because of the fear of people finding out, and then I can never get help because no one ever finds out. I just feel like I am not bad enough yet. Like, for example, I feel like I really want to kill myself, but I know that, unless I am in the right circumstance, I won’t actually act on those feelings. I know my mental illness is serious, but I just don’t feel like it is serious enough.

I guess it is not serious enough because I am not to the point yet where I 100 percent do not care and I am not to the point where I am so desperate where I have no other choice than to not care. So, I guess I am not there yet.

I am not bad enough.

I want to cry out for help, but I want someone to hear, not for it to be the end.

Eating Disorder

Hey, so I think it is time that I start catching you guys up on all that has been taking, place over the past few months, or, however long I was gone.

So, I do not know if what I was doing was really an eating disorder or if it was more just something else, but either way, this is what happened.

Sometime in March, I had been going through a rougher patch in my depression.  I really hated how I looked and how “fat” I (thought) I was, so I decided to keep track of my calories. Then, I quickly started to make it a goal of mine to eat no more than 500 calories or less a day. If I would go over, then I would hate myself. This went on for a few weeks or so.

Then, I started to not eat at all. We went on a mission trip and my Sunday school teacher noticed that I was not eating and made sure that I ate something, but I just ended up taking a small bite and throwing it away when she wasn’t looking.

The thing is, I don’t know if you would say it was an eating disorder because I was doing it to punish myself, like another way of self-harming, because my previous method had stopped working.

At the end of the week, we had a bit meal together and I had to eat a little bit. That night I planned on purging and even tried a little, but I knew it would be too loud, so I didn’t so that I would not be found out.

Also, every morning I would take pictures of my stomach to see how I was “progressing”. By then my stomach was only one inch thick and my ribs were showing. I struggled with eating for Months, but it wasn’t really the calories and the eating itself necessarily. It was really trying to be “Perfect”. It was just another way of hating myself.

 

I’m Back

Hey,

I’m sorry that I have not posted anything in forever… this time for real. There is a lot that I need to talk about, like my eating disorder and a visit from child protective services, but for right now I want to just start off from right here where I am. I know that it might be confusing, but I’ll fill you in later.

So, right now my friend that I opened up to about this stuff is leaving and my mom is trying to decide how we should leave my dad.

My life is just a pattern. It is that whole fight of whether I should cut or bite or not eat, and now my newest addition… hitting myself. I didn’t want my self-harm to leave a permanent mark so I started punching and hitting myself. I really need better-coping skills.

SO, about a month ago I went and saw my mom’s counselor. I just basically told her “my life story”, except I said nothing of what I have told you guys. I can’t trust her and I honestly do not feel like being judged by her because I could clearly tell that she would judge me and be less of a comfort.

When I get enough money I want to see a real therapist (who is not a Christian, just so that I won’t feel like I am being judged 24/7). I want to be able to trust her fully so that I can get some real help for all of it, but I would have to wait until I am 18 for that really so that I can trust that she will not tell my mum or dad anything. I think I will stop seeing her counselor after I go again because there is no point if I cannot trust her.

Also, I still want to be properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist and see if a prescription could help. I just want to finally get help without the fear of being found out.

I wish that I could just pause time and get better and then press play and go on with my life. But, I guess life wouldn’t be life without struggles… right?

My Friends…My Family

We were Best Friends for TWO YEARS! And that is a huge thing for all of us considering we had never had a real best friend before, much less a friend for even close to a year.

Then, everything changed. It just got complicated because I had to leave, which made things hard and made me self-conscious and life hit us all. I faced the pressure of being perfect, having panic attacks, my family being abused, getting my depression triggered, having suicidal thoughts, almost committing suicide multiple times, and feeling lost and alone, thinking that I lost my friends, being on a mental rollercoaster. I did all of this… alone. My friends were gone and I had nobody! Again, Nobody. Like I had always done my entire life when someone left, I just moved on, No tears, no sorrow, just move on and forget. Don’t look back on the past, for it is gone. But, no.

I love them. They are my friends! It does not matter how ashamed I might be. They mean the world to me because they care and because they are my friends! They are the only people who I know would always care for me. And, I love them. They are my friends. We may not have seen each other or have spoken for over a year, but that does not mean that they are any less my friends… my Family.

Being True

I do not get angry very easily, but when I do it is like Hell on Earth. I do not hold grudges very often, but when I do it is for eternity.

I am not like the average person. I do not feel the need to show emotion that I do not feel. So, if you do see a smile on my face it is because I am actually happy, and if you see me run to you and give you a hug, it is because I actually miss you, and if you see me cry, which should never ever happen, then… I am actually truly and uncontrollably sad.

Please do not hate me for not pretending like I care, because I do not want to lie to you like that because I do not want you to lie like that to me. I want to know if you are actually proud of me and to never have to doubt it. I want to know when you are angry with me and if I have actually done something wrong. I want to know that you love me, not that you are supposed to or that it is the right thing to do. I want to know that you are true, and I will be true too.

What is Next?

Hello guys, I know that I have not written or posted anything in quite a while, yet that is starting to get normal for me. Anyway, let us get into it…

Over the past week or so I have actually felt… normal. I was not anxious or depressed and just felt like my normal self. Really, I believe it is because it is that time of the month (sorry for the weirdness, but I promised to be honest). The thing is, in that short time of feeling normal and not being depressed or anxious I completely forgot about my depression. I was just so busy that I thought it was normal to feel like that because for most people it is. For that short time, it was like my depression and anxiety did not exist.

Now that that time is ending and is almost over I am a bit scared because I do not know if when I am depressed if it will be me being overwhelmed or me not being able to feel. Both are bad, but to be honest I would prefer not being able to feel, just because I usually do not have anxiety and it interferes with my job less. And, I know that it sounds so weird to talk about depression in this way, but whatever. Right now I have a bad cold and am just writing whatever I think, so this is how I am describing it. I know this is obviously not as good as some of my other blog posts, but honestly, I do not even care right now, but really I do.

Isn’t it funny how we tend to say one thing when we mean something else? Obviously, we do not do it all of the time, but even just the fact that we do it sometimes is interesting. We say that we are “fine” when we are usually not. We tend to say “It’s okay” when clearly it is not. Why? Well, I want everyone to think that I am okay, whether I am or not because I do not want to be a burden. Also, I do not want people to think that I am weak. I want them to think that I am cool or talented, but most of the time and deep down it is because I do not want people to worry and because I do not think that it is a big deal.

Anywase, 2018, new resolutions, more pressure not to fail, and a whole bunch of new surprises, both good and bad. I will post more later, but for now, farewell.

4:00 Thoughts… How?

I really want to see a psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed, see if they have any advice, and to get something to help the depression. The thing is, only my mom knows that I have depression and I do not know how this all will work, keeping it a secret from my dad and five other siblings.

I am sort of scared, but I know that I will be really anxious when the day comes where I actually see a psychiatrist. Another thing is that my mom wants to try to go the natural rout. And, I know it might could help, but this is a big thing. My depression and anxiety is to big to just hope and pray that it will work, because I honestly do not know how much longer I can last without help. I wish that I could hurry up and skip to the part where I find what can help me and do it, but of course life is not that easy.

I am just weird. I am supper shy in real life, hate touching people, do not want to get close to people, literally NEVER open up about the slightest thing, yet I can talk freely and say whatever I want here? I sort of get it yet sort of don’t. I guess that this is my safe place. I know that here no one knows me. I know that no one will care if I have problems because they know that really everyone has problems, some seem bigger than others, but that does not mean that we should not help others with theirs.

I don’t know. It is late and I just want someone to care. Not for attention or whatever, but I just need someone to be a true friend, to open up to. Someone who I can tell anything to and know that it is safe. Someone who would do anything for me, if it is for my own good, and I for her/him. I just need someone like that, yet I can’t trust anyone. Have I mentioned, I have trust issues? Yeah, and not just with the big things, but with the smallest things. I literally can trust no one. I guess that that might be a big reason as to why I do not have any friends and why I have not made any new ones. I do not know how to fix it and part of me does not want to, but I know that I need to, otherwise how will I grow?

More than medicine and anything right now I really just need a true friend, but how? With all of my problems how am supposed to tell a friend, let alone make one that would want to listen to all of my problems. Also, it would be forever before I would be able to trust them and for us to get that close, unless a miracle happened where I suddenly found this person who I completely trust and who I am somehow comfortable with. That would be amazing but obviously unrealistic, yet I can hope.

Am I supposed to get close to people and get to know them before I can truly know if I should be there friend or is it where I just meet them and should know right then and there if I want to be their friend… I don’t know.

If anyone does read this than I would love some answers!

I still do not know what I want to be by the way. I am already in college classes and everything, yet in the 10th grade. There is just so much pressure to know what you want to do and who you want to be. I do not know what I want to be, yet I know that I do not really have the biggest interest for what I am going to school for. How are you supposed to tell what you should go to school for and be?

Also, how do you have a minor in something. Right now I am going for my Bachelors in Mechanical Engineering (even though I really want to have my own business or something) and I want to minor in either business or filming (I like to write and film for fun. Any advice would be great, because honestly at this rate I do not want to have an engineering job. But anywase, it is so late/early. I will go to bed.

You Eat?

Alright, so for the past few weeks or so, I have not really paid much attention to it but, I have not really been eating much. I have slowly been eating less and less. I don’t really think about it, I am just not that hungry and don’t see the need to eat or drink if I am not absolutely hungry or thirsty. And by hungry I mean stomach hurts from not having food and by thirsty I mean mouth dry or light headed. I never thought that it was not normal until just now, still it might be nothing.

One thing you need to understand is that I normally have a very high metabolism. I normally have a full plate of food and still go back for seconds and maybe thirds (refilling my plate like it is thanksgiving) and sometimes over eating yet still staying the same normal weight. But now, if I even eat three meals a day, I barely fill up one fourth of my plate and usually don’t finish it. Over the past few weeks there have been days where I just eat one small meal a day and some days where I don’t drink anything at all. Some days I only eat because my stomach hurts. Other times I only eat because my work director asks if I have eaten that day. I am not trying to starve myself or anything. I just don’t think about it. I am not consciously trying to hurt myself. I just don’t want to eat. Tuesday I only ate one meal, same with today. I don’t think it’s anything, but then I get this deep feeling that it is and if I ignore it then it will just get bigger and turn into something. Again, I don’t know.

The reason why I think that this could get worse is because I believe that it might have started when I began focusing more on what I eat. Not long ago I started trying to make sure that I didn’t over eat. I had thought that maybe the reason why I had stomach fat(I am at a healthy weight for my age and height I just did not have a flat stomach) was because I was over eating and could not tell when I was full, so I have been slowly eating less until it is now at the point where I only eat when my stomach hurts from hunger, and when I do it is just enough to make it stop hurting for an hour or two.

Am I just over reacting? Is this just a symptom of my depression?