I know that I have not written anything or posted anything in a long while, and I do not know if you guys are wondering what is going on. I have not posted in a long while because, obviously the usually busyness, but I have also been struggling a lot, as you might have been able to tell from my last post.
I had planned to commit suicide. I fully planned to go through with it and to do it, but obviously it did not work. I was so sure that I was going to do it, I planned it and everything, yet when I got there I was not able to do it. It has been a week since and I have sadly regretted it and have had suicidal thoughts. I have also self harmed and cut myself. Also, this week my anger has started to be directed outward instead of inward, which is not good.
So, I have finally gotten to the point where I will actually ask my mom to take me to someone who can get me professional help. I know that I have talked about it a lot and have mentioned a lot of times how I need to get professional help, but I have to talk about something for a very very long time before I actually do it, just like I had to with telling my mom about my depression. I had to think and talk about it for so long before I actually did it, just like with this. So, this week I will actually do it.
When her and I are alone I will bring it up and talk about how I need to go to see a psychiatrist. Now that I have had time to reflect on what is going on and to see it from a different point of view I have been able to fully convince myself that I need to do this. I have weighed the positives and the negatives and the positives have won. I have seen that the consequences of me not doing this are worse than the consequences if I do do it.
I do not know if I will be able to go and see a psychiatrist this week, but I do know that I will tell my mom and bring it up.
Please pray that this all works out and that I will be able to see a psychiatrist in the next few weeks. Also, I will be trying to post more, but there are no guarantees.