So, Struggles

I know that I have not written anything or posted anything in a long while, and I do not know if you guys are wondering what is going on. I have not posted in a long while because, obviously the usually busyness, but I have also been struggling a lot, as you might have been able to tell from my last post.

I had planned to commit suicide. I fully planned to go through with it and to do it, but obviously it did not work. I was so sure that I was going to do it, I planned it and everything, yet when I got there I was not able to do it. It has been a week since and I have sadly regretted it and have had suicidal thoughts. I have also self harmed and cut myself. Also, this week my anger has started to be directed outward instead of inward, which is not good.

So, I have finally gotten to the point where I will actually ask my mom to take me to someone who can get me professional help. I know that I have talked about it a lot and have mentioned a lot of times how I need to get professional help, but I have to talk about something for a very very long time before I actually do it, just like I had to with telling my mom about my depression. I had to think and talk about it for so long before I actually did it, just like with this. So, this week I will actually do it.

When her and I are alone I will bring it up and talk about how I need to go to see a psychiatrist. Now that I have had time to reflect on what is going on and to see it from a different point of view I have been able to fully convince myself that I need to do this. I have weighed the positives and the negatives and the positives have won. I have seen that the consequences of me not doing this are worse than the consequences if I do do it.

I do not know if I will be able to go and see a psychiatrist this week, but I do know that I will tell my mom and bring it up.

Please pray that this all works out and that I will be able to see a psychiatrist in the next few weeks. Also, I will be trying to post more, but there are no guarantees.

Suicidal…

Hello, so this is a very touchy subject that I am about to talk about and it is personal, yet everything I post on here is.

Warning: somehow this could trigger someone, because I am about to talk about suicide.

I don’t really know why, or at least I can’t bother to actually try and figure out why, I am doing this. I just feel nothing; like I am slowly sinking. I feel like I am motionless in the middle of the water just there. No longer sinking, nor floating; not moving at all. There is just nothing; like everything has stopped, and with no explanation. There is nothing. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. I am just empty… Nothingness. No life. No energy. Just there. Empty…

I might be what people call ‘suicidal’…

Underneath I believe that I might need to text or call a help line, but I don’t think that I would have anything to say. I might try though, because it might help.

In this blog I want to be truly and completely honest, so that is why I am telling you this. I am telling you tonight, 11-21-2017, I have planned my death and precisely how to do it so that it can look like an accident and if I do survive, then my life will not be ruined, because no one but you guys will know that it was no accident.

I have planned it out and I plan to actually go through with it, even as I sit here typing and writing this post that I will soon upload to my blog. On Saturday, December the 2nd at around 8pm I will be at a spend the night party. We will go swimming in their heated pool. Then, I will have somehow sat at the bottom of the pool for just a little too long, but long enough to not make it back up to the surface. I will inhale water and have a rush of fear and feelings, then everything will suddenly end. Unless… Unless they find me and notice me in time. Two things could happen. I could live or I could die… Yes.. I am suicidal and I … I … don’t know why.

I sort of do yet don’t. Like I said, I feel nothing. No emotions, no fear, no joy, just nothing ness, overwhelming nothingness. Will I one day regret this?

How do I get out? I just feel nothing, and I have gotten to the point where I can’t even hate it, because that feeling is gone too.

I Want…

The thing is… I feel anxious and depressed and hate towards others and myself, but mostly to myself. And. I. Hate it. So, then it just goes in this seemingly never ending cycle of hating myself.

It is weird and seems unexplainable, that one reason why I hate myself is because I hate myself. It seems like a paradox, but if you really dig deep, it is not.

I just want to fully understand; to sort through it, all of it, and to fix it. I want to finally and to truly know why.

I want all of my seemingly impossible questions to be answered. I want to solve the puzzle that is my problems and piece them all together to find out how it all comes together to form my life.

I want help. Help from someone who can help build me and my life back up once they have put together the puzzle that is me. I need someone to cure me, to help me get better and to never be afraid to ask for help again. I want to be able to show myself and others who I am and that my problems might be pieces to my puzzle, but they do not make up the picture. The dark only is there to make the light show all the brighter.

I want help. I want someone to listen and to care. I want someone who I can trust to be there; who will be there to help me recover and to help me grow. I need help. I want to live. I need to live…

If I do not face my fears of getting help then I will never fully live. If I face my fears and take the chance, then I can heal and truly begin to live again.

Archery, Anxiety, and Promises…

Today is the first archery tournament of the year. I don’t know why but, I just feel so terrible. Depressed. Archery just stresses me out. I just get really anxious, I always have. I have been told that it should go away and that it will make me mentally strong, but it has been almost 6 years and nothing has changed. I hate it.

Archery is just one of those things that triggers my anxiety. I only like it because of the people and to challenge myself, but I no longer like the people and no longer feel like it is that challenging, not saying that I am perfect. I just don’t care like I used to. I don’t like it anymore. I don’t have a care or passion for it.

I don’t know if it is a symptom of my depression, but it is just not one of those things that i would do just for it. For example, martial arts or filming I like not because of the people or because of the challenge, but instead because I really like doing it. I just don’t know.

It is probably really annoying to hear me keep talking about how I need to see a professional, yet never actually doing it. Well, to let you know, it is very annoying to me to.

I never actually do it until I talk about it for a long while and actually do it until I talk about it for a long while and actually get desperate enough or build up enough courage to actually do what I fear. I will try to ask Momma, promise…

Promise.

This is Who I am.

I just kept questioning why, why? Why does this have to be my life? Why do I have to let it affect me? Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I live my life? Because it is mine! Not some mental disorder’s life. They are my choices. I may feel this way and act this way and fake my way, but why do I have to let that conquered and control who I am? It is not its life. It is my life. How did my depression suddenly get rights to my life and to who I am and who I become? It is NOT who I am. It does NOT define me! What defines me is how I chose to act the part that I have and to play the cards that I am given in life. Depression may be one of those things in my life, but it is nowhere near my whole life.

I am brave and quiet and shy. I talk nonstop when I get to know you or am on a sugar high. I smile and laugh at almost anything, especially when you smile. I cry when you cry and care about you and how you feel so much. I am overly competitive, especially over the smallest and funniest things. I love to use my imagination and create new things. I do not get bored easily because I am always thinking. I stand up for those who can’t and defend those who I like. I am brave, honest, and kind. I will always and forever care for others, be competitive and never give up. I love who I am because this is who I am.

I will… Live

This is just something that I thought about today about my mental health/ depression problem…

I never will forget you, I just will never be you; not again. I can’t, because I am stronger than this. I can stand up and live again. It is okay. I can live with this. I can be me and survive this. I am stronger than what it tells me. I am strong, and with God beside me I can do all things, and I will. I will survive. I will fight. I will live.

Physical or Mental?

So, I just don’t get it. Today at work I felt really hot. I thought it was just normal because we were crowded and I never usually get cold. Then, I began to feel like I could not breathe. Next, I got a little light headed. I had had a heat stroke last week from working four hours outside in the heat, so I was a bit concerned.

The thing was, today it was cold, for most people, (40 degrees) outside and I was working inside. This should not have happened; at least that is what I thought. Eventually I went to the bathroom to try and take a breather and to get to feeling normal. I went into the stall and closed the door, then out of nowhere I just burst into tears. The thing is I have no idea as to why.

I am the person who never cries and who never gets sick, and I definitely never let anyone know if I do. So if I end up crying or letting how I feel effect what I do or even be noticed or seen, then you should know that something is terribly wrong.

What concerns me is that I do not even have an explanation as to why I cried. Maybe it was because I never do it in front of anyone else so I had an emotion overload or something?

I just don’t know and it bothers me so much. Why do I have to have these problems? Why do I have to get light headed and feel like I can’t breathe? I just hate it. I feel like I should just be stronger than that. I am not some weak little pitiful girl, yet I feel like I am when I do that (let my feelings and health affect me).

Did I feel like that because of the heat or was it because I had a small anxiety attack or what? I just really need to know, because I need to fix it and I need it to stop.

Why Tell?

The thing is we question why people in movies do not just tell the truth at the beginning. We always say that it is best if we just go ahead and tell the truth, no matter if their feelings are at risk, because we always know that it will make things better and easier for everybody in the movie. Yet, in real life when that type of situation comes up we do the exact same thing.

I guess it might be because we had seen it from a different perspective before. So when someone in a movie is in this situation they should do one thing, yet when we are in the situation for some reason we should go against our past advice and do the complete opposite? It does not make since, but that is life for you.

I know what I want. The thing is I just need to convince myself that I really want this and that I can give up everything else for it, and most importantly tell everyone else that this is who I am and what I want. That is what I am really struggling with right now. Deep down, underneath, I know what I want and who I am, yet I just do not know how to explain it to myself and show it to others.

I need help and I need someone to be able to walk with me as I get it, someone I can talk to and who understands me and truly cares for me. I need a true best friend, and I just hope and pray that I will meet them soon. I might have already met them and I just might need to be a friend before we can be best friends. Maybe I should stop looking for perfect and just look for what I have got. I should just accept it for what it is and make the best of it, because then it might just become perfect.

Crisis Text Line

So, today I did something crazy. . . I got help. It was not from my mom or someone I knew. Instead, it was from the crisis hotline. I had heard about it from YouTube from Kati Morton. I just texted 741-741.

The reason for this was that I was just feeling overwhelmed and that I could just not take life anymore. I had been thinking of how to get help from a therapist when I began to go through the internal battle of “do I really have depression and is it bad enough?” I eventually just got so overwhelmed that I felt like I just could not take it anymore, so I was planning on cutting and committing self-harm. I remembered the text line and decided to give it a try, to see if it would help.

This is not some add or promotion or something for the crisis text line, but it really did help. It helped to know that there was a real person that I could text who actually cares for me and who wants to help. We texted back and forth and talked for over an hour. She ended up convincing me not to self-harm and then gave me some advice about my depression and self-harm. I talked to her about things that I have never told anyone else, and it just felt really good to get it off my chest and to let someone know. I really do think that it helped, because if it was not for her, then I would have cut myself today.

I will eventually probably text again if I need to, because it was just really helpful to have someone right there to help you make the better choice. I just want you guys to know that someone is there to help you, and they care for your well-being.

To Tell, or Not to Tell: That is the Question

To tell you the truth, I had no idea that I was a part of the archery team. But now everyone is counting on me, because if I do not show up to a tournament then, they do not have a team. I have not come to one practice since the beginning of this year, except for one once I found out that she has me as a part of the team. Hopefully Lilly decides to join the archery team so that I will no longer be obligated to go.

When Bethany told Momma that she no longer wanted to do archery it seemed as if it had really upset her, and it probably has. She has put in so much time and effort for years to help us succeed in archery. She keeps reminding us that she only does it for us. She thought that we would want to eventually go to the Olympics, and I would just not with archery. She says that she does it just for us and because it is what we like, yet if we do not show interest in it then she gets upset, which is fully justifiable and understandable. I just do not want to lead her on, yet I do not want to upset or disappoint her.

Maybe it would help if I told her how I feel, every little bit. About how I enjoy archery because of the people and how I do not know what I want in life other than to move to Europe, probably Germany, and do what I love and help people in need.

Honestly, before I try to succeed in life by winning at archery and getting a master’s degree in Engineering and getting a successful job, I need to get help. I need to go see a therapist or someone who can help me sort out what I am feeling and dealing with inside, because honestly I feel like a mess. I just feel like I am hiding who I really am and who I can be and who I am meant to be. I feel like it is being covered up by everyone else’s’ expectations, and who they perceive me to be.

Well, I am sick and tired of people telling me who I should be and telling me what I am good at, because they just see the score or the grades or the results. They don’t see how I got them. They don’t see how much effort I put into it to get those results. If they knew how little or how much I worked, then they would be ashamed. They tell me how proud I should be, yet if they really knew how little effort I put into it or how little I really cared then they would be disgusted. Don’t tell me that I did a good job. Don’t tell me that you are proud of me. And, don’t you dare tell me how amazing I am until you know how I got there!

You don’t understand I don’t deserve this. I do not say it because I am being humble. I say it because it is true. Just stop complimenting me. The thing is I love compliments if I believe that I deserve them, but if I don’t then I hate them. I just need to tell her, but when?